“It’s gonna be all right”, this phrase I heard almost a 100 times that morning. Every worry I talked about, I got the same reply from him ” It’s gonna be fine”. Well, he knew that it comforts me a lot, makes me feel lighter, makes me believe that he is there watching my back. But that morning was different, though I didn’t have a clue then, now I can clearly see – what it was and what actually he meant –
Everything will be fine after this trip !!!!
“Overoptimistic” – probably the word to describe the version of me then. Well, I was just talking about insemination, you know – very common in today’s lifestyle. It’s not that Vivek was not capable of having a child, it’s just that the count was less so I thought of this to enhance the possibilities. Vivek was also chilled about it. We never had a disagreement on the treatment. But he wanted to consult with his family before we do it. Well, I didn’t bother me then, but…
But – I should have known better.
I should have known better when his father demanded a CAR and he kept quiet. I should have known better when his mother asked for an abnormal amount of gold and he kept quiet. And I should have known better when I wanted to do insemination and he quietly gave a nod !!!
Nitika: You know that you can’t avoid the discussion this time. Its already been 3 years and your mother has started asking about it. I am really not sure for what are we waiting for. We could have done it in this ovulation cycle only.
Vivek: What is the hurry, we have already decided that we will do it. Just let me have a talk with my family and then we start…
Nitika: I still have no idea why it is required. And anyway how you gonna explain the process to them…
Vivek: See.. clearly the scientific process will complicate things for them. So I will take the easier way to get over with it…
“Easier way” – the easier way was not to discuss anything with them. The easier way was to lie to me. The easier way was to unravel me completely!!
The day went well. This time bhabhi couldn’t join us since she was traveling abroad. But the day can’t be dull having Chintu around, Vivek’s elder brother, Manav’s son. Vivek is very close to him, he almost worships him. We had a discussion with Bhaiya Bhabhi about the treatment last Diwali. In fact, Bhabhi only recommended the doctor I was consulting. Though Manav never took any active participation in that discussion. Anyway doesn’t matter now. Ugh
The only moment in that entire jingle-jangle day, a tiny moment – I felt really relaxed and happy, it was around the evening, we were having tea
Maa (Vivek’s mother): So its almost been 3 years now that you are married, soon people would start talking. You don’t stay here so you will never understand this. But we stay in a society. People talk …
Vivek : (cutting in between) Maa, relax. We are planning nahh….
That moment, the way Vivek concluded the discussion I was sure that now Vivek doesn’t need to let them know about the process. I was not sure what changed his mind but I didn’t give much of a thought to that. I just knew that I had all the reasons to be happy … no more worries
They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for
There’s always a few moments at dusk when the sky sheds purple and the world seems to exhale out the day. I was breathing alongside it. I was learning to soften into the in-betweens, to be content with the not knowing, to innately understand when it is fine to stop all of them reachings for a bit and just be and believe. But how scarcely has night arrived to take all of it and how brutally…
Vivek arranged a small party after dinner that night. It was me, him and Manav. Soft 80’s music, rooftop and three of us, and whiskey, which tested really wired. According to Manav, that was some kind of special edition from Pune.
After some time, I was wholly sloshed… it never happened to me before. My senses have been stripped, hands can’t feel to grip, toes too numb to step.. my nerve was fading, and I realized that Vivek lifts me up and took me into the room…………
And then it all started !!
I felt a very uninvited touch at my knee, and then around the ankle. It shocked me completely. I knew at once that it wasn’t Vivek. I tried to shout but I couldn’t open my mouth, I couldn’t even move my body. It seemed that my entire body is paralyzed. And in no time he started pulling my pajama. I was lying there in the night, so scared, so exposed, my mind was telling me to fly away but my body had been broken. My mind filled with confusion, trying to figure out the man, but he, he took another part of me with each and every thrust. My tears like elegant pearls cleared my eyes. I peered into his soul with a firm look of disgrace. His cold touch like a vacuum, sucking out the life in me. He continued to thrust away, as I fought and yelled and cried. No matter how hard I screamed, nobody came to help me, nobody came to set me free… I could feel his tight grip on my wrist, the pressure of his body as I tried to resist. The pain was something I’d never felt before, it wasn’t a cut nor a scrape.
Then as if time stood still, I lay there with pain and suffering, watching Manav silently leaving. And in the furthest corner of the room – Vivek impassively gazing.
Now after so many years, I still sometimes wonder – how easy this would have been for Vivek to pursue. Was I really married to a sentient being or was just a beast. I still dream of running, of trying to break away.
I cannot change the past, an event to which I succumbed.
But I can focus on the present and change what is to come.
We are all so different and yet so much the same.
Everyone, in some way or another, will experience a kind of pain.
Everybody has things they wish not to recall,
Into each life, some rain must fall.
That night might be gone, those people might be gone, but the fact is – What some can only imagine in their worst possible nightmare Is my gruesome reality that can’t be undone nor repaired.