“It’s gonna be all right”, this phrase I heard almost a 100 times that morning. Every worry I talked about, I got the same reply from him ” It’s gonna be fine”. Well, he knew that it comforts me a lot, makes me feel lighter, makes me believe that he is there watching my back. But that morning was different, though I didn’t have a clue then, now I can clearly see – what it was and what actually he meant –

Everything will be fine after this trip !!!!

“Overoptimistic” – probably the word to describe the version of me then. Well, I was just talking about insemination, you know – very common in today’s lifestyle. It’s not that Vivek was not capable of having a child, it’s just that the count was less so I thought of this to enhance the possibilities. Vivek was also chilled about it. We never had a disagreement on the treatment. But he wanted to consult with his family before we do it. Well, I didn’t bother me then, but…

But – I should have known better.

I should have known better when his father demanded a CAR and he kept quiet. I should have known better when his mother asked for an abnormal amount of gold and he kept quiet. And I should have known better when I wanted to do insemination and he quietly gave a nod !!!

Nitika: You know that you can’t avoid the discussion this time. Its already been 3 years and your mother has started asking about it. I am really not sure for what are we waiting for. We could have done it in this ovulation cycle only.

Vivek: What is the hurry, we have already decided that we will do it. Just let me have a talk with my family and then we start…

Nitika: I still have no idea why it is required. And anyway how you gonna explain the process to them…

Vivek: See.. clearly the scientific process will complicate things for them. So I will take the easier way to get over with it…

“Easier way” – the easier way was not to discuss anything with them. The easier way was to lie to me. The easier way was to unravel me completely!!

The day went well. This time bhabhi couldn’t join us since she was traveling abroad. But the day can’t be dull having Chintu around, Vivek’s elder brother, Manav’s son. Vivek is very close to him, he almost worships him. We had a discussion with Bhaiya Bhabhi about the treatment last Diwali. In fact, Bhabhi only recommended the doctor I was consulting. Though Manav never took any active participation in that discussion. Anyway doesn’t matter now. Ugh

The only moment in that entire jingle-jangle day,  a tiny moment – I felt really relaxed and happy, it was around the evening, we were having tea

Maa (Vivek’s mother): So its almost been 3 years now that you are married, soon people would start talking. You don’t stay here so you will never understand this. But we stay in a society. People talk …

Vivek : (cutting in between) Maa, relax. We are planning nahh….

That moment, the way Vivek concluded the discussion I was sure that now Vivek doesn’t need to let them know about the process. I was not sure what changed his mind but I didn’t give much of a thought to that. I just knew that I had all the reasons to be happy … no more worries

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for

There’s always a few moments at dusk when the sky sheds purple and the world seems to exhale out the day. I was breathing alongside it. I was learning to soften into the in-betweens, to be content with the not knowing, to innately understand when it is fine to stop all of them reachings for a bit and just be and believe. But how scarcely has night arrived to take all of it and how brutally…

Vivek arranged a small party after dinner that night. It was me, him and Manav. Soft 80’s music, rooftop and three of us, and whiskey, which tested really wired. According to Manav, that was some kind of special edition from Pune.

After some time, I was wholly sloshed… it never happened to me before. My senses have been stripped, hands can’t feel to grip, toes too numb to step.. my nerve was fading, and I realized that Vivek lifts me up and took me into the room…………

And then it all started !!

I felt a very uninvited touch at my knee, and then around the ankle. It shocked me completely. I knew at once that it wasn’t Vivek. I tried to shout but I couldn’t open my mouth, I couldn’t even move my body. It seemed that my entire body is paralyzed. And in no time he started pulling my pajama. I was lying there in the night, so scared, so exposed, my mind was telling me to fly away but my body had been broken. My mind filled with confusion, trying to figure out the man, but he, he took another part of me with each and every thrust. My tears like elegant pearls cleared my eyes. I peered into his soul with a firm look of disgrace. His cold touch like a vacuum, sucking out the life in me. He continued to thrust away, as I fought and yelled and cried. No matter how hard I screamed, nobody came to help me, nobody came to set me free… I could feel his tight grip on my wrist, the pressure of his body as I tried to resist. The pain was something I’d never felt before, it wasn’t a cut nor a scrape.

Then as if time stood still, I lay there with pain and suffering, watching Manav silently leaving. And in the furthest corner of the room – Vivek impassively gazing.

Now after so many years, I still sometimes wonder – how easy this would have been for Vivek to pursue. Was I really married to a sentient being or was just a beast. I still dream of running, of trying to break away.

I cannot change the past, an event to which I succumbed.
But I can focus on the present and change what is to come. 

We are all so different and yet so much the same.
Everyone, in some way or another, will experience a kind of pain.
Everybody has things they wish not to recall,
Into each life, some rain must fall.


That night might be gone, those people might be gone, but the fact is  – What some can only imagine in their worst possible nightmare Is my gruesome reality that can’t be undone nor repaired.



Is it really an Independence day of India?

At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance.

–  Jawaharlal Nehru, Ex-Prime Minister – 15th August 1947

Words of glory, rewards of perseverance, strength, and determination. After millions of volunteers and soldiers of freedom who, without any praise and reward, have served India even unto death, One man, on that holy and mystic midnight light, got a lifetime opportunity of delivering The Independence Speech, to us, the proud Indians.

What a period it was, and how India made a history out of it. Still, it seems like a fairy tale to me. But and indeed the united Indian made it, and gave us our freedom and home back, and asked only one thing from us, Justification of blood they shed, Love to people for they died, and construction of the nation they architect. But have we fulfilled any of these exceptions?

Well, justifying their blood is tough, but how about love to the people, rather our own brothers and sisters !!
Or constructing our own nation !! Are these things very difficult, or we are so naive to declare them as impossible.

Well let us not linger in the past, let us look into the present. What is going on today, incalculable rape cases, ill politics, high process of nation fracturing and least not the last – Deception to humanity.

“The achievement we celebrate today is but a step, an opening of opportunity, to the greater triumphs and achievements that await us. Are we brave enough and wise enough to grasp this opportunity and accept the challenge of the future? ” –  Jawaharlal Nehru, Ex-Prime Minister – 15th August, 1947

This is no quotation nor any question, or not just a part of his independence speech. This was also a silent challenge to us, to himself, to this great nation. Taking back our home, our nation from English people perhaps the most burdensome duty, but the crucial duty is to maintain our pride, our pride which we contemptuously announced at the stroke of that midnight hour.
Today again we stand on the day, which surely no Indian can forget, and this day without which no Indian can hope to call themselves as Indian. Today, 15th August, and as I recon it is the Independence day of India. But are we really independent, do we really carry the glory of independent India? This surely requires time and consideration. We have to think, realize and act to make every Indian a true proud Indian.

“Freedom was Achieved…but Awaken Life is still bleak..” – by Swami Souravananda

How long we will preserve the truth of this line once made by Swami Ji?
And how long we will take to announce ” this line is no other than a myth”?

But as of now, I am just planning the celebration keeping this heavy question in a corner (just like a normal proud Indian).
Wish you all a very happy independence day.

I hope you all find and enjoy your independence while you can!

A Mother’s fate !!

Does she find us when she is in ultimate need ? Do we all treat her as our most precious gift ? Are mothers lucky enough to have their children besides them till they breathe their last ?

I was terrified, stupefied, petrified by these questions upon my very first step in Vrindavan (A Holy City of India). Thousands of empty yellow tired eyes wearing silky white loud agony, and a careless whisper of coveted love, that was all Vrindavan, the city of love, welcomed me with. What an irony !!

I just can’t explain neither can believe what I saw.  Mothers, betrayed by their children, are left alone to beg for food, place and sometimes for a silent cessation, in this holy city. If you can dare to look in their eyes, you will find a single hope. A hope that someday their son will come to take them back, make them alive again. It was completely heartbreaking. I could see my mother’s image in all of them, and that brought me in tears. As a son, I am so ashamed, finding myself amongst sinister.

My conscience couldn’t justify any reason for disowning parents. What is wrong with us? Disowning parents is a sign of illiteracy. This is an act which can never bring any happiness, and peace in our life.

If we can bare the pressure walking in their shoes for a few minutes, we will realize what exactly they have done for us. Whatever we achieved, we owe to them. Our life would have become a question mark if they didn’t stand by us. They are our best-st, truest and purest friend.

If we ask a few questions to ourselves ….” have we ever packed our bags or missed our lunch box to school ? “..”  had we ever completed our school work without folks? “…  ” could we ever clear our exams without mom’s last-minute blasting? “….will make the picture crystal clear. We can’t imagine a single day of our life without them. We couldn’t have those days back in college, which we spent with our friends like a carefree summer picnic.

Whatever we are today, is just because of them. We are working and earning, but the fact is, we are bringing back their money. So logically,  we all have a huge loan, with no installments, no repay policy.  And our parents also don’t want anything back. They say they have just invested their love and time to shape us strong. But this doesn’t give us the freedom to justify our shameless act of  “Taking Advantage” by a sordid phrase “It is Their Responsibility  “.

If we can look deep in their hearts, they have spent their lives dreaming about us clicking pictures wearing graduation cap, becoming a doctor/engineer, getting married, having beautiful naughty kids. They never thought about themselves, neither did they asked anything for themselves. Their hearts would skip a beat if anything goes wrong with their children. And what they get now after sacrificing so much A Brutal  Rejection.

Do we ever care about our mother’s dream? Have we ever asked, what dad wants? No, we all are busy dreaming about our life as a doctor or an engineer, riding a super-fast Ferrari car, having a honeymoon in Switzerland, etc. And when these dreams become a little expensive because of our old parents, we simply wash off our hands by leaving them in Vrindaban streets to beg for their lives every single day.

These dreams are so sedative, that we couldn’t keep our eyes open to look in our mother’s eyes, to feel the crimson love in their touch. These dreams drug us so much, that we couldn’t hear our fathers yearn of love. And gradually these dreams poison our minds, weaken our emotions, impoverish our life, and in the end crush us to death.

But what they want is love, affection, and a little time together. Are these so expensive? Are we so busy that we cant sit beside them holding their hands? Can’t we show them a little love? Why we find all these so difficult, so difficult to stand by our parents in their needs? Why do we get annoyed when time asks us to take responsibility for our parents? Just because, with age, they become little judgmental, irritable, impatient. They interfere in our lives and sometimes let down our activities. But these all are simplest forms of their love, affection, and care for us. Why we always hurt their intense pure faith in our understand-ability? We can’t do this.

Let me share an experience of mine which taught me the greatest lesson of my life. It happened in front of my office gate on my first day to the office (coincidence !!). An old man was jumping around, running here and there, measuring footsteps, looking very restless, trying to figure out something. I was very keen to know what exactly he was trying to do, so I asked. He replied –

“People say, we can not get ourselves separated from what we born with. So I am trying to get rid of my own shadow, to prove them wrong”.

It was a simple and ultimate madness but left a deep impact on me. I looked at my shadow, which looked like me, showing me my own shape & structure, in one word, showing myself. And I realized how beautiful my parents have shaped me up. Honestly, that was the first time I found my shadow reflecting my mother’s smile. I could see the happiness in her eyes to see her beautiful son. What a magical moment !! Then I realized, only a mad man can ever try to get rid of his own shadow. Funny, yet very intense. Mother’s love is like God’s blessing. If we cant love our mother, can’t respect their love, then actually we don’t deserve any love, happiness, peace, or success.

Look at them. Where they are and what they are doing today? Can they feel the beauty of ” how the light of day stretches into the night ” or their life is confined in the darkest corner of the dreadful night? Or they are just taking their last breath in an empty dark room, and waiting for “A Silent Departure”?

Do we want this for our parents, who have sacrificed everything for our future? Have they taken so much pain just for ” A silent departure”? Is this all we have to offer those, whom we once entitled as the love of our life ???

huh…( A long sigh of disappointment ).

There’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begin.

P.S –  Maa, I would not have been able to make this wonderful journey through life without you. You paved the road of my life with your support and love. Thank you, Maa.

Opposite Mind, that Attracts!

Opposite mind, that attracts. Not opposite Sex.

Yes, this is the fact that I learned, from last Saturday Night Bash.

Last Saturday, a facebook friend of mine invited me to a party, and frankly speaking, I knew what kind of party I was invited to, but still went there (curiosity !!!).

It was a Homosexual party (Exclusive), packed up with guys, loud music, low lights, almost everybody were drunk and dancing like hell. At first glance, I was shocked and very much uncomfortable, which is very natural. I started hating the place immediately. I was murmuring all those nasty words, which we use against the so-called “Queer”.

But after all these thoughts, I couldn’t leave the place, but took a corner and started watching the Nasty Show.

And then, I don’t know, at what universe structure, I asked myself a very simple question :

Why I am calling this a Nasty Show?

Just because guys were dancing with guys, instead of girls. Or, because their shirts were almost unbuttoned. Or, because they were kissing each other.

. Actually, there are no practical or logical reasons, to call it Nasty. We so-called straight people always took it in the wrong sense. We never consider LOVE between them. But the fact is, There could be Love.

Those who think, homosexuality is a sin or a curse, I wish they could see, how much these guys were happy holding each other. They all were enjoying every bit of the night as its the last night. I could realize that they don’t have much opportunity to do it. Their world captured in between these four walls, where they can be just themselves. And these hurts me a lot.

Why we people are so cruel and rude to them?

We have drawn such a small boundary for these lads.

Looking at them, I can categorize them into two categories.

One, those who are out to the world about their orientation, and now suffering from incurable insecurity and complexity. Facing dirty looks and taunts every moment. And most importantly, their future in on bet table. Whether they will get any partner or not? Even if they managed to fall in love with somebody, will be able to spend their lives together or not? So many questions, and no answer. Their lives depend on society and TIME is their god. I hope TIME will not be so cruel to them as we are.

And second, those who gave up on the world and on its narrow mentality, rather sick mentality. They are forced to pretend one of us (so-called civilized straight community), at a cost of their own desires, identity. How can one live pretending in & out, every moment of their lives? Have we ever thought, how difficult it is? And after taking all these unbearable pain, what is their gain. As I understood, their lives are not even on the bet table, it is in looser’s account. They can’t be happy, even they get married in the future, they will land up in a world, where no place of happiness. Life is Gone.

Who is responsible for all these sorrow, disasters? If today, we appreciate a simple fact of Homosexuality, then thousands of lives can be happy. They don’t have to die in vain. Even they can enjoy this beautiful world to the fullest. We don’t have any right to make somebody’s life so miserable, that they forced to choose death. This is murder.

Here I have a question, How many of us have ever told this sentence to our parents ….. “Mom, Dad..I wanna tell you that, I am a Straight Boy”.

If none of us used it, then why a homosexual boy or girl has to use it. This makes the difference as well as these two categories.

Today I read an article in Times of India, says France to ban words “Mother” & “Father” from official documents, under its plans to legalize gay marriage. Don’t believe me, then read the article here.

So, the whole world is supporting homosexuality, then why not India. Isn’t it a shame for India.

We need to understand a simple fact,

Sexual orientation is not our choice. We are not presented with options of orientation to choose. This is just an another game of Almighty. As we just can’t choose our gender, likewise we can’t choose our orientation.

We need treatment, not the homosexuals. Stop thinking that same-sex can’t love each other. And those who think like this, they are the most sadist people on the earth. Do we fall in love with somebody just for their physical beauty or appearance? If so, then we all should die and burn in hell.

But the actual love is, when one can understand his/her partner, can feel their heartbeat, can feel complete with others. And all these facts don’t have anything to do with Gender.

So, broaden your minds, see love is in the air. It doesn’t differentiate between genders. Whenever two minds, hearts meet each other’s need, it attracts LOVE.

    To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides

Introduction Note

This is my very First Blog in WordPress. So I am making it more as an Introduction Blog.

I am not here to write or discuss flowery things, here to discuss something more Intellectual, Important, Neglected, Unacceptable & Avoided (in society) factors. Factors without which we cannot imagine our society.

Factors, those are taken as ritual or good practice, however should not be encouraged at all.

Factors, those are being avoided and neglected for so many decades, in-spite of the fact, that these are somebody’s Life.

As I understand, these can not be avoided any more, so why not we just discuss over it, why don’t we just give a quick second thought to it.

Looking forward to your total support.


Krishnenduu Ghosh